My Broken Heart

I haven't blogged much recently because I want to keep my blog somewhat positive and upbeat. Well, I haven't been feeling too positive and upbeat over the last few months.

In fact, within the past year, I have hit two of the lowest points of my life. Yikes! That's pretty intense, huh? But on the flip side, I have experienced many blessings too. So again, I find myself embracing God's blessings and cherishing the good moments while being whirled down the tornado of water flushing into the depths of waste management. Yes, strangely, the two can co-exist.

Writing is cathartic for me but in this case, I'm limited by what I can say out of respect for the people involved. And yes, I have also journaled about this - strictly off limits and under lock and key! I hope. And I sure don't want to be the latest internet sensation like the Parenting Facebook Dad with almost thirty million hits! Ouch! (Do a search on Youtube for "Facebook Parenting" if you're one of the two people who haven't seen this.) I know some really good therapist for that family, if they're interested. Interestingly, my latest dilemma wasn't that different from what the Facebook Dad was going through BUT he took his tough love to a whole new level. Ouch! But many parents of teens get it. Thank God there's always someone out there who prompts us to say "see, I'm not that bad."

So, I'm going to carefully skirt around the more recent event that brought me to my knees. AND I will NOT be posting this blog on Facebook! About five years ago my heartstrings were pulled. My husband and I reached out and did what we thought was a good deed. I dedicated every cell of my being to this endeavor of love. We weren't perfect. As time progressed, my health challenges did too and more recently some volunteer projects I had been working on went south. It was one thing after the next and then WHAM! It all hit the fan. Without going into the details, my heart was broken. Have you ever had a broken heart? It hurts. I mean REALLY hurts. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. It hurts. Maybe I should have run to the doctor and asked for an anti-depressant or some Valium or whatever the latest greatest drug is for Broken Hearts. Gosh, when you have a broken heart, rational thinking is likely to go out the window. Where is the ground? Someone seriously pulled the rug out. Thankfully I had a few rational people supporting me and keeping me from doing something like the Facebook Dad. Lord thank you for sisters, therapist and rational and godly friends who have been down a similar path. But a couple of my acts of passion (acts of insanity) slipped through the cracks, maybe even out of pure determination to be okay with a little crazy. No one was going to take that away from me.

Let me share with you some things you may do when your heart breaks:

1. Have you ever seen that lady crying in church? Well, that's been me so many times recently that I decided I better take a break from church because I didn't want to scare any of the newcomers off! You know you're a little unstable when your kids bring you a box of tissues before the service starts and just shrug their shoulders and maybe even roll their eyes once Mom starts up again.

2. You may take an entire day out of your life to compile a twenty page single spaced book documenting the last five years. Wait, you mean kids still have to eat when your heart broken? I can't just hide in front of my computer?

3. You may show up at a friend's house in hysterics in the middle of dinner. Oh Lord, you gave me good friends.

4. You may obsess to the point of needing a therapist have you do "thought stopping" techniques. They do help! But if these thoughts (i.e. the devil whittling away at your mind) are determined enough, they will creep back in.

5. You may find yourself sharing your problems with complete and total strangers, your new pet-sitter, neighbors or even teenagers. This usually results in a little bit of embarrassment and maybe more tears (but also wisdom that I wouldn't have found if I hadn't opened my big trap).

6. You may find yourself turning into the crazy cat lady - trying to get a urine sample from the cat to test for a UTI only to find out later that most people pay the vet to do that. Then you may buy the most expensive cat food, cat litter and even a special cat water bowl that filters the water. And don't be surprised if you find yourself talking to the cat and taking lots of pictures of him and posting them on Facebook.

7. You may find yourself devastated when after 25+ years your favorite Soap Opera is cancelled.

8. You may find that if you experience pain it will increase 10 fold and you may decide trying something radical or you may dramatically alter your diet and become dairy free. And then you may lose your cool on the phone with the health insurance rep when she tells you your meds now have a $2,500 deductible when last month you only had to pay $35. Really?

9. You may find yourself wanting to send out a retraction to the annual Christmas letter after your life was turned upside down right after mailing them. Gee, each year my annual letter gets shorter and shorter!

10. Hopefully you may find yourself searching and digging for comfort in the Bible. You won't have to search far. Thank God for Bible Apps on Iphones. And I would definitely recommend reading the book Unbroken while going through your heart break. Yes, your heart will break a little more but things may be put into greater perspective.

11.You may write a letter, read it a hundred times and then wish you had never sent it. But what's done is done. Ugh!

12. If you routinely escaped the throes of the world by going for a walk or a run and now find yourself disabled and stuck in your own body with no escape, well, that just really stinks! You may just find areas of instability magnified.

13. You may find yourself listening to this song repeatedly:



14. You may find yourself longing to go off to a place with four padded walls for an extended rest.

15. And finally, back to that crying part, you may think you're done crying but then find yourself crying to the Gold's Gym Manager on the phone or just about anyone else who crosses your path and doesn't get out of the way fast enough.

You may experience some of these things and then you still have to find a way to let go of bitterness, and to find forgiveness and to still love. That has been a process for me. Letting go of expectations is also a very difficult process. Let go of expectations of any kind of apology or story book ending. Let it go. You will also need to find the courage to stand firm while being humble. Let go. Let go. Ha, easier said then done. Tall orders. But we have to trust that it's all going to be okay and it's all going to work out. Trust.

PS. If you happen to know more to the story, please keep thoughts and comments respectful and sensitive to all parties involved.