MS in Wonderland

Alice-

"Well, after this I should think nothing of falling down stairs."

I was so excited about my new blog and then I fell into a hole. A deep dark hole. Help, someone get me out. I'm stuck! Ever feel like Alice? You know, Alice in Wonderland? This Wonderland is far out!

My Wonderland is Multiple Sclerosis but it could be with any big challenge. Wandering around wondering where am I, who am I? One minute feeling immense joy and blessings and the next, sinking into despair. Despair because you don't understand why your body is rebelling, despair because of unmet expectations, and sometimes despair for no apparent reason.  

Alice - 

"It would be so nice if something made sense for a change."

One minute in Wonderland I'm reading a devotional or something that inspires me with a big nod of the head and a big Amen! The next minute I find myself sinking and falling back into that dark place. My Dad says to honor that dark place and accept it. That accepting it isn't giving into it. Once you accept it, it can open up a place for something else. That sits well with me.

Alice-

"I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!"

Most mornings when I awake, my legs flail around with spasticity and I know right away, I'm still in Wonderland, but I'm grateful for another day. Some mornings I wake up and my legs are calm and I wonder, is this the morning I will awake from this dream and I have my body back? I move my legs purposefully to the side of the bed and slowly arise, and move my feet to see if my leg is back. Will I walk without a limp? Will I be different? And then I find myself in Wonderland again. Sometimes it makes me smile and chuckle a little.

Alice-

"Curiouser and curiouser!"

I recently went to see my adorable niece in the play Alice in Wonderland. I found myself lost in the drama for a moment. And then my little niece said "Goodnight Alice." And I was so grateful to be watching her and sharing that moment.

So yeah, here I am, in Wonderland. Maybe you're in a Wonderland too. It's okay. Accept it.